Nearly Left Unsaid

Editor’s note: Originally titled “Identity Crisis,” this piece was scheduled to be posted on September 22nd, 2024, but I wasn’t ready to share it then. Looking back now, it feels like the right time.

Welcome back, curious explorers and passionate beings, to the bonus post in the Creative Control series. A series centered around reclaiming authorship over our lives by learning when to hold on, when to let go, and how to create from truth instead of fear. Throughout this journey we explored what it means to create without constantly measuring ourselves in Making Without Measuring, how our work can reveal more than we expect in Unintended Reflections, the importance of allowing creativity to be imperfect in Messy Without Permission, learning to move through doubt and hesitation in Facing Resistance, and ultimately, what it looks like to reconnect with and trust our own voice in Reclaiming My Voice. This extra piece feels like a natural extension of everything I’ve been learning.

Only now do I understand what I was going through then.

At the time, I didn’t realize I was in the middle of becoming. Looking back now, from a version of myself that has since moved through another period of change, I can see it differently. It wasn’t something I needed to fix, but something I needed to move through.

For a long time, there was a part of me that I didn’t know, didn’t recognize, or didn’t fully appreciate. I often felt like I was invisible. I was trying to find my place in the world, trying to find my voice. I felt lost and confused, but more than anything, I felt different. Almost as though I was going through a shift, or an identity crisis in a way.

At times, I still do.

I struggled to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go. It felt like my whole life was a mystery I couldn’t quite solve.

And the craziest part? It happened again.

I recently came out of one of the hardest periods of my life. But this time, I gained a new perspective.

Back then, I felt unheard, stuck, disconnected, depleted, and completely unsure of who I was or where I was going. Everything felt chaotic, and I didn’t know where to turn.

I was overthinking everything, living in a constant state of panic where even the smallest decisions felt overwhelming. When things started to fall apart, it felt like I was on a sinking ship I couldn’t escape.

And more than anything, I felt like I was navigating it alone. I didn’t need answers, I needed someone to believe in me, support, and understanding. That was oftentimes the most difficult part.

Now, I’m in a very different place.

I feel more grounded, more centered, and more calm than I have in a bit. Life isn’t perfect, and there are still moments of uncertainty, but it feels steadier. Not only that, but I’m learning to trust again, both in others and in myself.

I’m more intentional with how I spend my time, and I’ve started to focus more on what I’m passionate about. I surround myself with people who stow up for me, not just through words, but through their actions.

While the fear hasn’t completely subsided, and maybe it never will fully, it no longer keeps me small or controls me the way it used to.

What I’ve come to realize is that I wasn’t as lost as I thought I was. It felt disorienting and overwhelming but I wasn’t losing who I was, I was ch coming someone new. I just didn’t have the clarity yet to understand it.

I’ve come to the realization that I do know who I am. I think I always have, I was just scared to put myself out there before. Now, I feel more certain in who I want to be, more confident in myself and my abilities, and clearer on where I want to go.

I’m just proud that I made it through to the other side.

What I’ve come to understand through all of this is that identity isn’t something fixed. It isn’t one version of you that you’re meant to stay in forever.

There may be times where you feel like you’ve been placed into a box. Such as, being expected to be one way, even when you’ve outgrown that version of yourself. And there may be other times where you feel completely different from who you once were.

Both are okay.

It’s natural to move through different versions of yourself. It’s okay to wake up one day and realize you no longer feel the same way you used to. It’s okay to want more, or even to want less. It’s okay to change your mind, your direction, or your identity as you grow.

None of that means you’ve lost yourself.

If anything, it means you’re learning who you are in real time.

So if you’re in a place where things feel uncertain, or you don’t fully recognize who you are right now, give yourself some patience. You’re not behind, and you’re not doing it wrong, you’re just in between worlds and you’re just in the middle of becoming.

If this piece resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What’s one way you’ve seen yourself change over time?

In the meantime, be on the lookout for April’s schedule. It should be out within the next few days. And as always, sending you love and light on your journey.

As a signature of my blog, I’d like to end this post with a suggestion to “Pass on kindness.” There’s no time like the present to Inspire Those Who Inspire You. Acts of kindness, no matter how big or small, can have a direct, positive impact on someone else. Go out there today and change someone’s life for the better!

***These are my personal opinions and may not be those of my employer.***

I used to think being seen meant being fully understood Now I think there’s a difference between being honest and feeling responsible for making everyone understand you completely Some spaces hold depth. Others only hold perception “Not For Everyone,” the next reflection in The Practice of Being Seen series • •• ••• •••• ••••• •••• ••• •• • #AuthenticExpression #RealExperiences #EmotionalBoundaries #SelfReflection #BeingUnderstood

Running a bit behind schedule this week… ENJOY: Some feedback leaves you quickly. Other feedback stays with you for months. Years, even. Not always because it was true. And not always because it was fair. Sometimes it stays because it touched an insecurity, a wound, a question you were already quietly carrying. In the latest post, “What Stayed With Me” (link in bio), ai wrote about what it feels like to be misunderstood, to question yourself afterward, and how repeated experiences like that can slowly change the way you move through the world. • •• ••• •••• ••••• •••• ••• •• • #EmotionalHonesty #BeingUnderstood #SelfReflection #VulnerabilityMatters #PersonalDevelopment

I used to think I needed the right words. The kind that made me sound clear. Put together. Like I knew exactly what I was doing. But the truth is… I wasn’t struggling with what to say. I was struggling with how to express what I wanted to express. So I’d replay conversations. Edit myself. Hold things in. And sometimes, say nothing at all. What I didn’t realize at the time was that overthinking wasn’t just overthinking. It was everything underneath it. The pressure. The fear of being misunderstood. The feeling of not being heard. This post is about that. Without the Right Words, part of my newest series, The Practice of Being Seen. Check out “Without the Right Words” (link in bio) • •• ••• •••• ••••• •••• ••• •• • #AuthenticSelf #StopOverthinking #BeRealNotPerfect #SelfGrowthJourney #VulnerabilityMatters

Some things weren’t obvious at the time. Not wrong enough to question. Not clear enough to understand. Just… slightly off. And for a while, that was easy to ignore. Until it wasn’t. Lines That Liberate — Final Reflection Have you ever looked back and realized something mattered more than you though? Check out April’s bonus post, “The One I Missed” • •• ••• •••• ••••• •••• ••• •• • #PersonalGrowth #SelfAwareness #HealthyBoundaries #InnerWork #EmotionalGrowth